I will never forget the first words my husband said to me after my children were born. "You were so amazing. Like unbelievable. I can't believe you just did that! I'm so proud of you. I love you so much! You're a ROCK STAR!" (15 years later, those words are still meaningful to me. I mean, what wife doesn't want to be told she's amazing??) As we gazed at our new, squishy little miracle, in awe of the fact that "we MADE that!," our love for one another was renewed as two became three, and then later four, and five. As a doula, I absolutely love helping to facilitate the relationship between mom and partner. It's really important to me in the birth process that her partner feels included. Recently, I had a client's husband say, "I have really been preparing for this. I have taken a childbirth education series. I mean no offense, but do we really need another person in the room?" I gently replied, "I'm here for you as much as I'm here for her." Birth is intense. As each contraction comes and mom is working hard, she needs an abundance of love and support. And she needs just the right "hormone cocktail" happening in her body to help her cervix dilate and to prepare to bring baby into the world. As she and her partner engage with each other in the labor process, her oxytocin levels rise and that works greatly in her favor. Oxytocin is a crucial hormone to the labor and birth process that is released by the pituitary gland. Its job is to help bring about contractions of the uterus during labor. The body makes it naturally, but you may have heard of its synthetic form called pitocin (which is sometimes used when it's necessary to augment labor). It's a beautiful thing as the rise in oxytocin not only helps mom birth her baby it but also helps her milk come in after baby is born. So... I work to bring mom and partner together in labor because I know that every hug, touch and connection between them is good for bringing baby closer to their arms. Also, as the pain of labor intensifies, she may begin to fear childbirth. Fear and pain are the enemy of labor progressing, and so my goal is to help keep mom out of that place and in the comfort of her partner's arms where she feels safe and loved. I consider it a joy and privilege helping partners work together in the labor and birth of their babies, especially in the ones for whom it's their first time experiencing it. It's a powerful moment when baby is born and they know they did it together. I've been truly blessed to see some AMAZING hands-on partners who supported mom so lovingly and helped bring their babies into the world.. Remember, love is the antidote to fear. And where love dwells, feelings of safety and well-being do as well! What could be better than that in the process of childbirth? As always, thank you for reading! Happi
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I recently had a woman inquire about using my doula services and she expressed that her husband was a little skeptical about hiring a doula. After all, in their case, they already had a plan to have the baby at the hospital under the care of a doctor and nursing staff. What more did they need? Maybe you are pregnant and asking that very same question.
Enter the Labor Doula. Doulas Provide Continuity of Care It is true that the hospital provides you with a nurse (or two) to be tending to you throughout the process of the labor and eventual birth of your child, however those nurses are also serving other patients during their shift. Nurses shifts generally change after twelve hours, so the one who started with you may not be the same one who sees you deliver your baby. I recall being very comfortable and friendly with one of my nurses during one of my labors and then being told (in transition!!) that someone else would be taking her place. In the midst of hard labor, this sent me into a bit of a panic. I really liked her and I didn't want her to leave! You can count on a doula being a constant in the room. She will not leave your side. She will be with you from the moment you want her there until your baby has arrived. She will provide a calming presence, information (when asked for it!), and support physically and emotionally. You will never be alone or without support when a doula is with you. Your doctor or midwife - who you may or may not have seen consistently throughout your pregnancy if you are working with a practice with multiple providers - is in and out during the labor, and while he or she does their best to tend to you, they are also likely working with other patients or resting or waiting until called in to deliver your baby. Doulas Play a Unique Role As a doula, I find that I am often explaining the difference between a doctor/midwife and a doula. It helps to understand that they are not one in the same. A doctor or midwife provides for your prenatal care throughout the pregnancy and then generally follows up with you at about 6 weeks postpartum. They are trained to help you navigate the pregnancy (tests, measurements, weight, ultrasounds, etc.) and then of course keep track of you and provide for your care when you are in labor. They are the ones responsible for delivering the baby, overseeing any medical interventions or needs, and helping present you with options and information throughout the process. They are needed and vital and do so much more than what I have listed here. Where a doula differs, however, is that her role is to help provide you with consistent, reassuring emotional support, physical comfort measures, positional changes, reminders to eat or drink (if allowed), ideas for stalled labor, providing help with decision-making when asked, and being there to support the husband or partner as well. As much as I'm sure your primary care provider would love to be with you as much as they can in a shift, it simply isn't realistic for them. Even ACOG (The College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists) agrees that having a doula present during the labor and birth of baby is a good idea, stating, "Evidence suggests that, in addition to regular nursing care, continuous one-to-one emotional support provided by support personnel, such as a doula, is associated with improved outcomes for women in labor." A doula is worth her weight in gold as she can be counted on to stick by your side as you navigate through all the ups and downs of this experience! I hope this helps you as you weigh the decision of hiring a professional doula for your birth. Please feel free to contact me here if I can help answer any of your questions! As always, thanks for reading! Happi
I am a big fan of Ina May Gaskin. One of the books that I always recommend to my clients is "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth." It's an excellent book and one that truly empowers women to understand, embrace and trust the process of childbirth.
I wanted to share this Ted Talk with you. It's only about 15 minutes, but it's worth the watch, and not just if you are pregnant. If you ever interact with pregnant women, are a friend or partner of one, please watch. She discusses the culture of fear around childbirth in the United States and I think her words are powerful. Enjoy! Essential oils have been around a very long time, but not everyone knows what the benefits are or if they are truly safe to use in pregnancy and labor. Today's post will hopefully give you some helpful information so that you can begin to do some of your own research. ***A quick disclaimer: I do not hold any medical credentials. Any and all information I provide in this blog post is my personal opinion based on my own experience with oils and study on the safe usage of essential oils in labor. I strongly encourage all women to do their own research and learn how oils might benefit them personally, but ALWAYS discuss with your healthcare provider before attempting to use them in labor and make sure that your place of birth allows you to bring them, use them, or diffuse as well. (I have had several clients use them in the hospital, and each time the medical staff was very pleased to enjoy these aromas in the room, but always ask permission first!). Equally important is the quality of the oil you are using. I only recommend using 100% pure, therapeutic grade oils. (This is what I use and why.) Yes, you will pay a little more, but it's worth it to have the quality and know the integrity of the oil you are using! I also recommend diffusing the oils over applying topically to the body. If you choose to apply topically, it is very important to dilute as instructed, and again, be sure you have permission from your provider and have done your own research. There are some oils that are NOT safe in pregnancy, in labor, while nursing, etc. so you must educate yourself. Another very important thing: Please make sure you test the oils on your skin BEFORE labor to be sure that you do not have any kind of adverse skin reaction. Lastly, if anyone has applied oils to your chest during labor and you are planning on doing skin to skin after baby is born, wipe those areas thoroughly so as not to cause a reaction in baby.*** Now...for the fun part! What are the best oils to have on hand in labor? Here are my top 5 MUST haves! LAVENDER Lavender is known for it's versatility and calming effect. It can soothe anxiety, ease stress and tension, promote calm and tranquility and lessen the perception of pain. It has a clean and fresh scent. PEPPERMINT Peppermint is excellent for nausea or vomiting. If a mom is feeling nauseous, particularly in transition, her partner or doula can apply a few drops to a washcloth for her to inhale during or between contractions for relief. It can also be put on a warm compress and applied to mom's lower back if she's experiencing back labor. CLARY SAGE Clary sage is another very useful and versatile oil, promoting calm and relaxation, easing pain perception, keeping labor moving, easing muscle spasms, and promoting blood pressure health in the laboring mom. It is great for afterbirth pains as well! HELICHRYSUM Helichrysum is a great oil for soothing the discomforts of contractions. It promotes peace and calm, and has been known to ease stress and tension. WILD ORANGE Wild orange is calming, invigorating and inspiring. It is great for boosting energy (excellent to breathe in before pushing!). A quick word about oils for after baby is born (again I recommend diffusing only). There are two blends that I love absolutely love. The first is Peace and Calming and the second is Gentle Baby. Lavender as a single oil is wonderful too and later on can be diluted and used with a carrier oil (such as coconut oil) for diaper rash and many other things! If you are interested in purchasing any oils, I would love to help you. Contact me at happibirth@gmail.com with any questions you may have and I would be glad to assist you! The Happi Doula isn't one to shy away from any topic having to do with womanhood or motherhood, and this topic is no different. Because, let's face it. The whole reason we are having this conversation in the first place is because of sex. And I believe it's an important conversation to have, especially if you are a new mom-to-be. It's common that you and your spouse don't know what to expect in the bedroom after baby arrives. Once your doctor or midwife gives you the green light (at about six weeks postpartum), you may have some fears and concerns about what exactly that will be like. So, I encourage you to keep reading. Sexual intimacy is a very important aspect of the marriage relationship and one that needs tending to. Dad will likely be ready for you to get your pre-pregnancy "mojo" back, and while you're likely to be ready too, it may not be as easy as that. Because, let's face it. Motherhood is hard. Parenting is exhausting. And caring for a newborn is a demanding, 24/7 job, especially in those early weeks. And then there are these factors: All-nighters. No time to shower. Feeling less than sexy. Or interested. Spit-up. Exhaustion. Leaking breasts. Crying. (I'm not just talking about the baby.) Did I mention exhaustion? You may still be sore. Everywhere. Exhaustion. Feeling self-conscious. (Dad, this is where encouraging her and reminding her how beautiful she is to you is really important!) Furthermore, for many new moms, the nurturing instinct is so strong that all she can focus on in the first months following the birth of baby is caring for his/her needs and survival. And, if your baby is in the bedroom with you and your husband for feedings and diaper changes, then every peep and squeak can kill the mood. Quickly. This is a challenging time of transition for both of you. The mental and physical exhaustion of caring for a newborn (especially if this is the first baby) can really take a toll on both of you. Dad, you may worry that she won't ever want sex again, and mom, if you had a cesarean, or any tearing or stitches or trauma during the birth of your baby, you may think things will never be the same "down there" again. I can assure you, they will. These things take time. (Also- let me put in a quick plug for doing those Kegel exercises during pregnancy and after delivery. These really help healing, toning and strengthening the pelvic floor!) So let's talk about what you can expect and how you can help ease the transition to sexual intimacy. 1. I know this may be obvious, but I'll say it anyway. Please make sure you wait long enough to get the go-ahead from your care provider before attempting intercourse. This is really important as you can actually do further "damage" or prolong the healing process. 2. Take time to talk about your needs and feelings beforehand. This goes for both of you. Express your concerns and be sure to really listen to each other. (P.S. Men, remember she needs emotional connection with you just as much as you want physical connection with her. Talking is really important to her.) 3. Do not rush. Take your time and remember it's been a while! If you hurry (QUICK! Before baby wakes up!) you may regret that later and it might end up being a less-than-pleasant experience. If you are nursing or bottle feeding, do the feeding first and then put baby to bed. Change his or her diaper and buy yourself at least a little bit of time! 4. Breastfeeding is not birth control. Just FYI. :) 5. LUBRICATION. Use a good one. No explanation needed. Just trust me on this one. 6. Be present. I know this is difficult, especially for mom. But try to stay in the moment and clear your mind of everything else and enjoy this much needed time with your spouse. 7. If something hurts or is uncomfortable, communicate that. And then get creative. (You were probably already having to do this as your belly grew in pregnancy!). Comfort is key. 8. It may not feel the same as before. That's normal and will improve over time. And finally.... 9. If it's not great this first time, try again (when you're ready!). It will get better. I promise. Thanks for reading! ~Happi When I started this blog, I wanted it to be, at times, a place for me to reflect upon my own insights and experiences that have had a hand in shaping me as a doula. This is one of those times. I am a Christian. My faith in Christ is the most important thing to me and it drives everything I do in my life. I am certain that God led me into this work as a doula for many reasons and I believe that His desire is that I would bring Him glory as I serve women in this very important time in their life. As a result, I felt compelled to share how and why my faith influences me as a doula. As a disclaimer, I want to say up front that I partner with couples and families of all faiths. In fact, one of the most important things to me is that my clients and their families know that I hold no judgment toward them for any of their choices, especially in birth. I support people right where they are, as they are, and I believe this is one of the most powerful and valuable things I give to them as their doula. Becoming a doula has been one of the best things to happen to me in my own spiritual journey as I have learned so much about myself and others. I will always be grateful for that! Here is why I believe there to be a very distinct connection between God and birth. First, I believe that God made the woman and baby fearfully and wonderfully. I believe that God is the Giver of life, and all aspects of life have been His idea from the beginning. As a doula, this means that I trust the pregnancy, labor, birth, and postpartum process implicitly. I believe that the pregnant woman's body was perfectly made to birth her baby. This doesn't mean that things sometimes can (and do) go differently than originally planned. But in most cases, I know that this is a perfect process that God has designed beautifully as mom and baby work together. As I support my clients, I know that I simply need to support the process and not interfere with it. Secondly, I believe that God instructs me to hold no judgment against others. As a doula, this means that supporting women in all birth choices is of utmost importance to me. I stated before that I support ALL women. So whether they birth at home in a tub or choose to get an epidural the moment they step into their hospital room, I am there, ready to support them in their choices. I treat the women in those two scenarios the same, because birth is a very vulnerable time for a woman, and she likely has very good reasons that brought her to those choices. It is simply my job to support her, without judgment, no matter what. Finally, I believe that pregnancy, birth, and babies are all miracles from God. Every aspect of the process - from conception, pregnancy, labor, and birth to mother-baby bonding and her ability to feed and nurture her child - are truly incredible. I am in awe of the way God designed mom and baby to work together so beautifully. It impacts me as a doula, because I have the knowledge of how the process works in order to support mom, but I also believe in the God and Giver of life that is guiding each of them. As I work with mom in pregnancy, for example, I can encourage her with such assurance that her body can be trusted to provide all it needs to for her baby. In labor and birth, I can remind her that every wave/surge/contraction is bringing her closer to meeting her baby for the first time, because I know that they are both working together, in sync with one another, just as God designed. As baby is born and mom holds him/her for the first time, I watch as the two of them are filled with God-given instinct. Baby rests quietly, and then soon begins looking for nourishment. Mom has already been producing what baby needs and is ready to provide it. Oxytocin overwhelms mom with love and a desire to nurture her baby and bonding continues. I can affirm her in those things and remind her that she is doing great and all is well. Should mom choose to breastfeed, her milk provides all baby needs, and mom and baby are off to a great start. It's all truly MIRACULOUS. This is why I do what I do. I believe in the process. I am passionate about helping moms achieve a positive birth experience because I know that it increases the likelihood that mom and baby transition easier into life together. Nursing goes better, postpartum depression rates are lower, and mom's satisfaction as she reflects back on her birth experience is more positive. Everyone wins. As a doula, I am committed to each of the couples I serve and I am truly humbled to be invited into that intimate time with them. I pray for each and every one of my clients throughout their pregnancies and labors, whether they are aware of it or not. It is my hope and prayer that each of them would walk away from their birth experience feeling loved and supported through the process. If they do, then I believe God has been honored as I serve them. The following is one of my favorite verses from the Bible, and it is such a beautiful promise to both mom and baby. I wanted to share it with you today: "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." ~Psalm 139:13-14 Thanks for reading! Happi I love adding things to my Pinterest page. Have you followed me yet? (I have a whole section on Postpartum Survival. I hope you'll check it out!) I think it's so important to plan for what happens AFTER the birth just as it is to plan for the actual birth. I wanted to devote this post to a few of my favorite postpartum tips as you prepare to bring home baby (or if you're having a home birth, immediately following the birth!). These are absolute MUSTS for moms! First, PADSICLES. Ladies, you must have a few of these in your freezer and ready to go...then make sure your partner knows how to make them for those moments when you are yearning for some relief. They are amazing and will greatly aid in your comfort and healing. Next, SECURE HELP. Do not be afraid to take up your mother, mother-in-law, friend, sister, grandma, whoever, when they ask if they can help you. Say yes. Especially if you have other children. These wonderful helpers can prepare meals, clean, help with childcare, do laundry, bring you food and water, shop for you, etc. so that all you have to do is stay snuggled up in bed to bond with your new baby. There was a time when women were not expected to do anything or go anywhere for weeks after their babies were born. As a society we have gotten so far away from this important bonding period and resting time for mom. Remember you also have the option of hiring a local postpartum doula if you do not have support close by. Be prepared for the AFTERPAINS. If this is not your first baby, know that they will get worse with each subsequent baby. (Sorry to be the bearer of that news.) They should ease up after three days or so. These cramps are caused by your uterus contracting as it shrinks back to its pre-pregnancy size. They can be very uncomfortable, especially if you're breastfeeding. Ask your care provider what they recommend to minimize discomfort. Speaking of which, if you're planning on breastfeeding, have some support on hand BEFORE baby is born. This may mean connecting with a local La Leche League or Breastfeeding USA group. Know where the certified lactation consultants are in your area. Ask your hospital to recommend one, and note if they have any on staff. If you're in McHenry county in Illinois, I really like the West Dundee Facebook group. They are so helpful, quick to respond, and an awesome resource when you need some help and encouragement right away. Finally, REACH OUT for support if you are struggling as a new (or seasoned) mom. Postpartum depression is a real thing, and it requires immediate attention. Please, do not be afraid to admit that you are struggling. Remember, you are NOT alone. Reach out to a trusted family member or friend as well as to your provider. Let them know you are struggling so someone else is aware. The first days and weeks following baby's birth can be a very joyous time. But having a new baby to care for can also be very daunting and overwhelming. Having a few things covered before baby arrives can make a big difference in your postpartum recovery and transition into motherhood. Please always feel free to contact me for more information or resources! Thanks for reading! Happi {Originally written for and guest-posted here at Indianapolis Doulas} Ten years ago, a dear friend (and a very seasoned mom of six kids) stopped by a few weeks after my second son was born. She had come to drop off a wonderful home-cooked meal, as all good friends should! With a bright smile from her well-rested self she said, “So, how are you doing?” I quickly dissolved into a puddle of tears and began to sob, “HE WILL NOT SLEEP! I CANNOT GET HIM TO SLEEP!” I went on to tell her I had attempted to read every book there was on the subject of newborn sleep, and I was convinced that my baby was broken. After all, he didn’t fit any of the descriptions of any of the babies or scenarios I had read about in those books! Clearly it was me. Clearly I was doing something wrong. After listening for a few minutes, she gave me a hug and gently said, “Sweetie? Do yourself a BIG favor and put those books in a box. And promise me this: In moments of frustration, don’t dig them back out.” Through weepy tears, I asked her why and she exclaimed with a big smile, “Because honey…your baby didn’t write any of those books!” 10 years later, after the birth of my now two year-old, that is still the most valuable advice I’ve ever heard. He refused to sleep through the night until he was eighteen months old! So what’s the mom of a newborn to do? How does a tired, weary mom survive all those (never-ending) sleepless nights? Here’s what I have learned and what I hope will help you if you’re walking through the blurry-eyed trenches with a new little one! Babies have their own unique sleep schedule. Their sleep cycles look nothing like yours, and that’s perfectly normal and okay. They may sleep for 30-40 minute stretches, or 3-4 hour stretches. Throw in a growth spurt and this may also alter how much (or how little) they sleep. Most newborns have no concept of day or night. You may have noticed when you were pregnant that your baby was really active at night when you finally put your feet up and were ready to go to sleep. During the day with you moving about, they were lulled into sleep and rest, but at night they seem to wake up and be in a relatively active state. It’s no different when they are born. They have their days and nights mixed up and it may take a while before they get them straightened out. This, also, is perfectly normal! Babies need to feed. Often. One of the main reasons babies wake up at night is to feed. Whether you are breastfeeding or bottle feeding, your baby needs to eat often, and that’s because his or her little tummy is so tiny. If your baby is breastfed, you’ll likely have more frequent feedings because breast milk digests faster than formula does. Formula-fed babies might be quicker to sleep longer stretches at night for this reason, but this isn’t always true for these babies. The important thing to remember is that as your baby grows, these feedings should spread out and become less of a need (but may continue to be more of a want for babies that need extra touch time with mom). This too shall pass. I recall being completely at my wits end when my almost 18 month-old was still not sleeping through the night. Every time I heard the mom of another newborn joyfully exclaim that her newborn had been “sleeping since he was such-and-such-an-age,” I wanted to reach out and strangle her. (Okay, not really, but seriously??) It was so discouraging and I was convinced I would never get a good night of sleep again. Just when I thought it would never end, BOOM. He slept through the night. Now, don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t easy. The first week was a nightmare. I had to finally shut down my 24/7, open every moment of every day, cozy-warm restaurant he had been enjoying all that time. But guess what? He survived. And so did I! I promise you, your baby WILL finally sleep longer stretches! “This too shall pass!” Ignore the clock and accept what is. I found that if I looked at the clock every time my baby awoke, I would get really agitated or downright angry. An emotional, exhausted, sleep-deprived, hormonal woman can be a force to be reckoned with at 2 A.M. (No? Not you? Just me?? Well, then, feel free to just skip past this part!) I finally turned the clock around to face the wall and found that if I just accepted that he was awake, did our thing, and then put him back to sleep we would both be better off. Learning to let go of the fact that I couldn’t control his sleep made me much more accepting of this stage of life that I was in. I knew he wouldn’t be this tiny forever and I learned, especially with my third (and last) baby, that maybe these were moments I could treasure more and resent less. I know how hard it is. I know how exhausting it can be, especially if you can’t “nap when the baby naps” like everyone says you should. If you have other children, these are hard days that feel as though they’ll never end. I promise you…your baby will eventually sleep through the night. These days will pass, and you’ll feel (somewhat) rested again. In the meantime, box up those books, snuggle that newborn, and enjoy these days as much as you can. Believe it or not, that tiny one will be all grown up, and these days will be a fleeting memory that you’ll long for one day! Thanks for reading! Happi I think I just nursed my little one for the final time. He's my third baby, our last. Lately, it would appear that we are both ready for our nursing relationship to draw to a close, but that doesn't make it any easier on this mama. Tonight, we did our usual story time, nursing, singing, rocking routine, and I lingered there with him knowing this was likely the final time we would be experiencing this, just the two of us. This weekend he's going on an adventure with his daddy and brothers, and when he comes back, I don't know if he will ask again. There were two nights this week (including his second birthday) that he just sat contentedly in my lap while we sang our songs and rocked. The mother-nursling relationship is so unique in that it provides a beautiful, nourishing place that only mom and baby get to experience together. That awesome "love hormone" oxytocin is released when baby feeds, and it has amazing benefits to both mom and baby. No one else in the family can share this as it's perfectly created for just them. It's such a special, intimate time as mother and baby bond from the very beginning. As baby grows, mom's body continues to provide absolutely everything - from beginning to end - that baby needs. It's such a miracle. This time around, I knew that babies do eventually wean, and so I was in no hurry to rush it. I had no problem nursing him for two years. I used to think it was strange to nurse that long, as many physicians are eager to start babies on cow's milk once they turn a year. But I read an article several months ago that reminded me that we are the only species that is encouraged to drink another animal's milk at the age of one. It didn't make sense to me, and so I did what felt right for me and for him. I kept going, knowing that what my body was producing for him was perfect. What a gift. I know breastfeeding is a very personal decision and that not everyone chooses to do it. This is definitely not an advertisement for or against it. I just wanted to share what it has meant to me. Tonight, I was in no hurry to rush him, and it was like he knew...because he wasn't in any hurry to finish either. And in the dim light, in the quiet, with tears streaming down my face, I saw his little hands trying to form the number "two" since he is, after all, two. I held my fingers up to show him how to do it again, and then I helped him form his little fingers into a two. He giggled and smiled and suddenly popped off my breast and excitedly exclaimed "TWO!" Yep, baby boy. You're two. Lots of new adventures await us. And I'm so glad I get to share them with you. Thanks for reading. ~Happi |
AuthorHappi loves serving families in the Northwest Suburbs of Chicago as a labor doula and childbirth educator. When she's not at a birth, she loves spending time at home with her loving husband and homeschooling her sons. She also finds great joy in serving the Lord at her church and teaching children about the love of Jesus! Archives
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