5 Things I Know About Newborn Sleep

{Originally written for and guest-posted here at Indianapolis Doulas}
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Ten years ago, a dear friend (and a very seasoned mom of six kids) stopped by a few weeks after my second son was born.  She had come to drop off a wonderful home-cooked meal, as all good friends should!  With a bright smile from her well-rested self she said, “So, how are you doing?” I quickly dissolved into a puddle of tears and began to sob, “HE WILL NOT SLEEP!  I CANNOT GET HIM TO SLEEP!” 

I went on to tell her I had attempted to read every book there was on the subject of newborn sleep, and I was convinced that my baby was broken.  After all, he didn’t fit any of the descriptions of any of the babies or scenarios I had read about in those books!  Clearly it was me.  Clearly I was doing something wrong.  

After listening for a few minutes, she gave me a hug and gently said, “Sweetie?  Do yourself a BIG favor and put those books in a box.  And promise me this:  In moments of frustration, don’t dig them back out.”  

Through weepy tears, I asked her why and she exclaimed with a big smile, “Because honey…your baby didn’t write any of those books!”

10 years later, after the birth of my now two year-old, that is still the most valuable advice I’ve ever heard.  He refused to sleep through the night until he was eighteen months old!  

So what’s the mom of a newborn to do?  How does a tired, weary mom survive all those (never-ending) sleepless nights?

Here’s what I have learned and what I hope will help you if you’re walking through the blurry-eyed trenches with a new little one!

Babies have their own unique sleep schedule.  Their sleep cycles look nothing like yours, and that’s perfectly normal and okay.  They may sleep for 30-40 minute stretches, or 3-4 hour stretches.  Throw in a growth spurt and this may also alter how much (or how little) they sleep.  

Most newborns have no concept of day or night. You may have noticed when you were pregnant that your baby was really active at night when you finally put your feet up and were ready to go to sleep.  During the day with you moving about, they were lulled into sleep and rest, but at night they seem to wake up and be in a relatively active state.  It’s no different when they are born.  They have their days and nights mixed up and it may take a while before they get them straightened out. This, also, is perfectly normal!

Babies need to feed.  Often.  One of the main reasons babies wake up at night is to feed.  Whether you are breastfeeding or bottle feeding, your baby needs to eat often, and that’s because his or her little tummy is so tiny.  If your baby is breastfed, you’ll likely have more frequent feedings because breast milk digests faster than formula does. Formula-fed babies might be quicker to sleep longer stretches at night for this reason, but this isn’t always true for these babies.  The important thing to remember is that as your baby grows, these feedings should spread out and become less of a need (but may continue to be more of a want for babies that need extra touch time with mom).  

This too shall pass.  I recall being completely at my wits end when my almost 18 month-old was still not sleeping through the night.  Every time I heard the mom of another newborn joyfully exclaim that her newborn had been “sleeping since he was such-and-such-an-age,” I wanted to reach out and strangle her.  (Okay, not really, but seriously??) It was so discouraging and I was convinced I would never get a good night of sleep again.  Just when I thought it would never end, BOOM.  He slept through the night.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  It wasn’t easy.  The first week was a nightmare.  I had to finally shut down my 24/7, open every moment of every day, cozy-warm restaurant he had been enjoying all that time.  But guess what?  He survived.  And so did I!  I promise you, your baby WILL finally sleep longer stretches!  “This too shall pass!”  

Ignore the clock and accept what is.  I found that if I looked at the clock every time my baby awoke, I would get really agitated or downright angry.  An emotional, exhausted, sleep-deprived, hormonal woman can be a force to be reckoned with at 2 A.M.  (No?  Not you?  Just me??  Well, then, feel free to just skip past this part!)  I finally turned the clock around to face the wall and found that if I just accepted that he was awake, did our thing, and then put him back to sleep we would both be better off.  Learning to let go of the fact that I couldn’t control his sleep made me much more accepting of this stage of life that I was in.  I knew he wouldn’t be this tiny forever and I learned, especially with my third (and last) baby, that maybe these were moments I could treasure more and resent less.  

I know how hard it is.  I know how exhausting it can be, especially if you can’t “nap when the baby naps” like everyone says you should.  If you have other children, these are hard days that feel as though they’ll never end.  

I promise you…your baby will eventually sleep through the night.  These days will pass, and you’ll feel (somewhat) rested again.  

In the meantime, box up those books, snuggle that newborn, and enjoy these days as much as you can.  Believe it or not, that tiny one will be all grown up, and these days will be a fleeting memory that you’ll long for one day!

Thanks for reading!

Happi

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