Birth is hard work.
Like the hardest work a woman will ever have to do in her life.  
It's an incredibly vulnerable time, one in which she may feel frightened, unsure of herself, scared, or even sad.  She may worry she can't do this work and might even feel like she has failed if her birth plan isn't going 100% according to plan.  She may want to quit,  give up, or begin to fight the process.  These are all very normal reactions to the overwhelming sensations that labor can bring, but the key to a positive experience, even when things go differently than planned,  lies in one thing:  Surrendering.

The longer I support laboring moms, the more I observe that relinquishing control of the birthing process is absolutely key to a healthy mental and emotional state.  But it's really, REALLY hard to do.  I know this because I have personally been through childbirth three times with my own children.  And each time it was very different.  New fears crept in with each birth scenario, and I had to constantly discipline my mind to stay focused and in the moment.  I was tempted to watch the clock, get fixated on numbers as they pertained to my cervical dilation, and frankly, quit when it got hard.  It was definitely a battle of the mind.

One thing I intentionally talk with my clients about is the importance of surrendering throughout the laboring and birthing process.  Here are some examples of times when this reminder is particularly useful:

• Time.  Childbirth has its own timeline.  No one can predict the number of hours it will take. A woman's last birth may have only been two hours from start to finish, but that doesn't mean this one will be the same.  Surrendering expectations of time is important.
• Pain. As I work through birth planning sessions with clients, especially if they have never experienced contractions before, I remind them that this type of "pain" is pain with a purpose.  And it does eventually come to an end with an incredible reward on the other side.  In fact, to them it may not even feel like pain, but just be very powerful or, at times, even frightening.  I also like to remind clients ahead of time that they can do anything for one minute, which is the average amount of time most contractions last. In those intense moments, when the pain seems too much, surrendering to the process is really important.  Together, we take one contraction at a time and evaluate management of those contractions in between if need be.
• Circumstances outside one's control. In birth, there is only one thing that is totally predictable:  The unpredictable nature of birth!  (Sorry, I know that's NOT what you were hoping I would say!) I like to remind clients that having expectations of the birth going according to plan is great (we all want to think positively, right?), but I also encourage them to be flexible and hold loosely to that plan.  We work hard to put a great plan into place so that the provider, nurses and all those in attendance know what the client wants, but we also keep in mind that it can change.  Oftentimes, the circumstances that change the plan are out of our control.  Surrendering in these times is important.
• Fear.  This is a biggie. It is so hard to let go of fear, because having a baby can definitely invoke those feelings and threaten to overtake us if we are not careful.  One thing I try to do a lot is encourage my clients to stay in the moment, let go of fear, and of course let them know that all is well and progressing normally.  Surrendering fear and giving in to the process will help labor progress.  Fear will hinder the production of oxytocin (that wonderful hormone that stimulates and drives labor forward), and thus keep a woman from progressing toward meeting her baby.  

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I chose the above picture from a birth I doula'ed about a year ago.  I love this photo, because the mom laboring in the tub was very close to meeting her baby, and she was surrounded by so much love and support from those present.  When I talked with this mom about her birth experience, she gave me permission to share this with my readers about that moment:  

"I doubted whether I was strong enough to persevere through whatever the birthing process would bring.  Since my baby came three weeks early and caught us by surprise I felt like I wasn't fully ready to face the pain.  Through the support and encouragement of my birth team and Happi as my doula, I was able to learn how to give in to each contraction rather than fight them.  I was strong enough.  I did it!"

She surrendered, and...she did it!

~Happi 

The driving force behind my choosing doula work as a profession was my own personal experience.  As I have processed the births of my three children, which have all been totally different and unique, I recognize now, more than ever, how important it is for a woman to feel positively about her birth.  While I cannot promise specific outcomes for birth clients, I can definitely help set them up for success to the best of my ability with the knowledge and skill set I have. 
If you are pregnant and have specific goals and objectives that you'd like to accomplish in your birth, I  believe there are 5 important things that you may want to consider as you plan for your birth experience.   I truly believe that doing these things will make the biggest impact on your birth outcome.

1.  Carefully choose your provider.
It is incredibly important that the provider you choose has respect and understanding for the way you want to birth and is supportive of the various aspects of your birth plan (assuming you have a general understanding of what you want it to look like).  Take time to research different obstetricians and midwives early in your pregnancy, ask friends who they have used and why, and ask any birth workers you may know already (such as doulas, childbirth educators, labor and delivery nurses etc.) what to look for based upon your wishes for your birth.  If you do not feel that your current provider is supportive of the way in which you want to birth, it is okay to consider switching providers, assuming there is enough time left in your pregnancy to be accepted by the practice.  Ideally, it is best to have done your research early in your pregnancy so that you aren't scrambling at the last minute because you are feeling that your current provider isn't a good fit for you. 

2.  Hire a doula.  
​One of the most important things you can do to accomplish your goals for your birth is to hire a labor doula.  Over and over again, women who have had a positive birth experience share that it was in part because they had a doula.  It's not that we, as doulas, can guarantee specific outcomes because every birth is different and unique.  What we can do, however, is guarantee that you have amazing, consistent support.  I personally work very hard to contribute value as part of the birthing woman's team, serving her alongside her partner, provider, nurses, and anyone else she may choose to have with her. A good doula knows how to support her client through emotional support (labor is hard work, so compassion and encouragement through the process is key!),  informational support (help being able to understand and dissect information as it's given to you), and physical support (hands-on comfort measures, positional changes, utilizing birth tools available, etc).  

3.  Educate yourself!
The saying, "knowledge is power" has great application when it comes to birth.  The more you know, the better prepared you are.  Truly, nothing can prepare you for the experience that is birth.  It is like nothing else you have been through, and probably like nothing else that you will go through in the future.  The beautiful thing about birth is that the discomfort you feel has purpose.  It is a necessary means to an end...the moment you finally get to hold your baby in your arms!  Often, however, women in our culture fear birth because they don't know how or if they will be able to manage the pain.  It may be that they had a prior traumatic birth experience, or perhaps someone close to them did and they are scared the same might happen to them.  There can be many reasons they are fearful.  Because of this, I encourage clients to arm themselves with information, and I often recommend great books to my clients that will encourage them in their journey of labor.  Not only do they help educate but they also encourage and inspire.  "Your body was made to do this," I often tell clients.  "Trust it.  It knows what to do."  As you read, learn, and arm yourself with knowledge, you'll find that these words are true!

4.  Take Childbirth Education Classes.
This falls under the above category of educating yourself, as nothing can prepare you fully for the birth experience.  It really needs its own category, though, because the classes you take should fall in line with your goals for your birth. Childbirth education classes can be very helpful for understanding the process of labor and birth and should present you with specific options to consider as you formulate your birth plan.  There are so many choices out there for your consideration.  I encourage you to again do your research and then pick the one that seems to be the best match for you and your goals for your birth (as well one that will best serve your partner!).  

5.  Formulate a birth plan.
Creating a birth plan is something I do with my clients as part of my service to them, but if a doula isn't an option for you, then there are several great websites and templates you can utilize.  Your birth plan should be very specific.  It should be kept concise and limited to one page, as nurses and doctors don't have time to read pages and pages once you are admitted to your place of birth.  Ideally, it is helpful if it can be presented to your provider at least one month before your estimated due date so that they can review it.  In my experience, I have found that most doctors and nurses are very happy to see a birth plan and spend time going over it with you.  

I truly hope that these five suggestions are helpful to you as you plan for the birth of your baby.  It is my desire that all women be armed with support, knowledge and information that results in a positive birth experience.  

Thanks for reading!

Happi 
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I will never forget the first words my husband said to me after my children were born.  "You were so amazing.  Like unbelievable.  I can't believe you just did that! I'm so proud of you.  I love you so much!  You're a ROCK STAR!"  (15 years later, those words are still meaningful to me.  I mean, what wife doesn't want to be told she's amazing??)

As we gazed at our new, squishy little miracle, in awe of the fact that "we MADE that!," our love for one another was renewed as two became three, and then later four, and five.  

As a doula, I absolutely love helping to facilitate the relationship between mom and partner.  It's really important to me in the birth process that her partner feels included.  Recently, I had a client's husband say, "I have really been preparing for this.  I have taken a childbirth education series.  I mean no offense, but do we really need another person in the room?"  I gently replied, "I'm here for you as much as I'm here for her."  

Birth is intense.  As each contraction comes and mom is working hard, she needs an abundance of love and support.  And she needs just the right "hormone cocktail" happening in her body to help her cervix dilate and to prepare to bring baby into the world.  As she and her partner engage with each other in the labor process, her oxytocin levels rise and that works greatly in her favor. Oxytocin is a crucial hormone to the labor and birth process that is released by the pituitary gland.  Its job is to help bring about contractions of the uterus during labor.  The body makes it naturally, but you may have heard of its synthetic form called pitocin (which is sometimes used when it's necessary to augment labor).  It's a beautiful thing as the rise in oxytocin not only helps mom birth her baby it but also helps her milk come in after baby is born.  So... I work to bring mom and partner together in labor because I know that every hug, touch and connection between them is good for bringing baby closer to their arms.  Also, as the pain of labor intensifies, she may begin to fear childbirth. Fear and pain are the enemy of labor progressing, and so my goal is to help keep mom out of that place and in the comfort of her partner's arms where she feels safe and loved.  

I consider it a joy and privilege helping partners work together in the labor and birth of their babies, especially in the ones for whom it's their first time experiencing it.  It's a powerful moment when baby is born and they know they did it together.  I've been truly blessed to see some AMAZING hands-on partners who supported mom so lovingly and helped bring their babies into the world..  

Remember, love is the antidote to fear.  

And where love dwells, feelings of safety and well-being do as well!  What could be better than that in the process of childbirth?   

As always, thank you for reading!

Happi