Birth and Fear Part 7: Overcoming Sexual Abuse

The pain of sexual abuse is a topic many people don't often connect to childbirth, but there are profound implications for a woman that has endured this type of abuse. She may be approaching childbirth with great fear and trepidation because of something painful that took place in her past. She may be absolutely terrified of the pain she is likely to feel in the most private areas of her body and mind or she may have very real fears about being totally exposed in front of others that she barely knows. As I surveyed women, this topic came up as did the worry about having a doctor who would be "gruff," harsh, or insensitive with them. (I'm thankful I never had this at any of my births, but I have heard other stories from women who sadly did not have the same experience.)

Childbirth is a profoundly intimate time, which is one reason why I am always so honored to have the opportunity to serve women at their births. But in cases where a woman has endured sexual trauma, my role as doula is even more crucial.

If you are reading this and you relate to this topic, I'm so deeply sorry. My heart aches for you and what you have gone through. Here are a few things that I hope and pray will help you as you prepare to deliver your baby.

First, and I think most importantly, seek professional counseling, but only from someone that specializes in sexual abuse and trauma. Seek out recommendations. Make sure you check on insurance to know how much they will cover and how many sessions are included in the coverage. A good counselor will walk you through some dark rooms of your past that may have been locked for a long time, or perhaps you may have even thrown away the key a long time ago. He or she will take your hand, and together you will unlock the door, walk into the room and begin to bring those painful memories to light again. This will not be easy. It will take courage. But I promise you, healing will come if you do the hard work of unpacking your feelings and talking through the pain and fears that you may have kept pent up inside for a very long time. This is an important step in your journey (maybe the first one you've ever taken) toward healing that pain. The pain never will completely go away, and you will never forget, but healing is possible with the right help and support.

Next, you may find that reading "When Survivors Give Birth" by Penny Simkin will be very helpful. There are other books like this, but this one truly helps women understand the triggers that pregnancy and childbirth can bring up in a survivor.

Finally, consider the following factors when preparing for the birth:

• Choose a comfortable space to give birth. For some women, this is their home. For others it's a freestanding birth center. It can also be a hospital room where freedom is given to set the environment according to your comfort level by dimming lights, turning on soothing music, "lighting" (LED) candles, using calming essential oils, etc.
• Carefully choose a provider with whom you feel comfortable and safe. If you are in a practice with multiple doctors, this may be a deal breaker. It's important to find a doctor who will be the only one (unless he/she is out of town and has back-up) to deliver your baby when the time comes. Over the course of 9 months, you will have established trust, relationship, continuity and comfortability with him or her and this is very important to the abuse survivor.
• Make sure everyone on your birth team understands your need for an environment that is full of peace and feels as comfortable and calm as possible. It is my hope that you would be able to convey your need for this so that everyone in the room understands why this is so important to you. You do not need to go into great detail. It may be that all you have to say is that it's very important that you feel safe and loved, comforted and supported. Your birth team should only consist of those you know will honor this request to the best of their ability.
• Find a doula that understands what you need and exudes compassion and empathy. Again, I strongly encourage you to talk to her about your fears and make sure she understands exactly what will help you feel safe, comforted, and secure as you prepare to bring your baby into the world.

If this post has resonated with you personally, it is my sincere hope that it has been helpful to you. I wish this topic didn't have a place in our world, but sadly, it does, and far too many people have been affected in this way.

Please feel free to send me a private message via my facebook page (Happi Birth, Doula). I would love to continue the conversation with you. As always...

Thanks for reading!

~Happi